Miss Manners or That Bad Advice?

[ysobel]

Dear Miss Manners: I have been friends with a woman for almost 15 years. We are part of a group that often gets together for game nights, and we also celebrate important days in our lives.

On her last birthday, I offered to take her out to dinner, something we have done for both of our birthdays every year. She responded by saying she wants to take a break from seeing all the people in the gaming group until further notice. Our other friends say they still see her, but she refuses to see me or respond to my texts or emails. I am confused and bewildered about why she has ended our friendship. Our other friends aren’t sure why she made this decision.

I would apologize, but don’t know what I did to create this chasm between us. After no response to two emails and a letter where I expressed a desire to talk through what is going on, I don’t know what else to do. Should I just accept the end of our friendship and move on? Even if she eventually reaches out, I am hurt and confused and not sure how to respond.

It is too soon to give up, if only because you admit the possibility that you may have done something that requires an apology. The question is, what?

Contrary to what you have been told, your other friends — at least some of them — do know what happened. They just (understandably) do not want to be put in the middle. Ask them again, one by one, until one confesses, reports your question back to your longtime friend or persuades you they truly don’t know. The most likely outcome is that you will learn something that will inform you of what to do next.

Comments

[jadelennox]

I am just imagining Judith Martin's horrified expression as she reads her kids' response using her MM brand name.

Here is an actual, old school, Judith Martin-style MM-style response to this.

Gentle Reader,

It can be a shock to the senses when a friend abruptly ends a relationship with no warning, but that is her right. If you are positive, truly, that you don't know what happened, then you might let your closest friends in the group know that if you have some unpleasant behaviors you need to change or apologise for (outside of your relationship with the former friend), you would like to hear about them. (Do not make this request if you don't sincerely want to hear the answer, and are open to change, however!) Otherwise, continue with your game nights with your remaining close friends, and consider expanding your social circle as well. Do not harass your former acquaintance, and do not ask your other friends to come between you.