Dear Abby: Too Tired to Have Sex Every Night

[cereta]

DEAR ABBY: I am 23, married for four years and have three children. My wife and I have always had strong sex drives. I recently accepted a dream job that pays very well. On the downside, I work 12 to 14 hours a day, and by the time I get home I'm exhausted.

I love my wife very much and want to meet her needs, but she wants sex every night. I'm afraid if I tell her I have to save my energy for my job, it will cause problems. How can I get around this? -- OVERWORKED IN ARKANSAS

DEAR OVERWORKED: The shortest path to a goal is a direct line. One thing more important in a marriage than sex is communication. Talk to your wife. If you don't, she may think that after three children you find her less attractive.

Sex is most satisfying when both partners enjoy it. To some women, their standard of living is at least as important as frequent sex. It's time to find out if the woman you married is one of them. (If she's not, you may have to change jobs.)

Comments

[cereta]

Okay, so the first paragraph was pretty good if generic. But WTF with the second? Seriously, (a) what is this gendered bullshit about some women finding standard of living as important as sex, and (b) are you seriously suggesting the LW give up his dream job so he can have sex every night? If he had said he misses doing so, or anything more direct than that they both have strong sex drives, that would be one thing, but seriously? I usually call bullshit on the kind of response I am about to make, but: would you have told a woman LW the same thing? What if she were too tired because she has three kids (likely three under the age of five, given the math). Just...wtf?

[neotoma]

The Letter Writer says it's a 'dream job' -- I don't think it's about 'standard of living' in that case.

I do wonder about the 12 to 14 hour days, but working too much is something to worry about whether or not it you are having as much sex as you and your partner want.

Negotiation seems to be key here -- even if the Letter Writer wasn't overworked, they likelihood he and his wife were in complete agreement about the frequency they have sex seems unlikely, especially with small children who need attention and thus take time/energy.

[lone_lilly]

Feels like we could have stopped at "Maybe you can schedule a date night" before we arrived at "You may have to change jobs." :^/

[havocthecat]

Or buy some sex toys?

[likeaduck]

I can't even with everything after "talk to your wife".

[likeaduck]

Also even "talk" though important is insufficient advice for most people around sexual negotiation. Very few people have learned good skills for this! My basic suggestions to LW would be to talk, and focus on finding out together:

What do LW & wife each want in their sex life? How often? Doing what? What do they get out of sex that's important to them? (Intimacy/release/confidence/feeling appreciated/control/kink/pleasure/orgasm/relaxation/grown-up time/etc.??) What do they want to be getting? (It's okay if these questions are difficult to answer or you can only guess at some of them. We don't learn his stuff all at once.)

And then: Are there ways to both get their needs met better? Are there ways they can negotiate trade offs they're both content with?

This depends on what their needs are, but some suggestions that would in various combinations fit some combinations of needs/negotiations:

-(active, partnered) sex on set days # times/week
-less active or energy consuming (for LW) sex(y) options (ideally also some novelty for everyone built in here if desired) examples: manual or oral sex, talking dirty or watching while wife masturbates, intimate massage, watching porn together, sex toys for wife or to use together, cuddling, intimate conversation
-LW hangs out with the kids at set times (bedtime stories? kid's movie? dinner?) while wife jerks off in the bath/watches porn/gets a massage/goes out for a drink with her best friend/goes rock climbing/takes a dance/programming/rope bondage class
-less frequent sex but more focus on exciting, intimate/adventurous/kinky/intentional sex when they do have it
-are they open to nonmonogamy?
-so many other things

AND: to revisit this discussion, all the time or at set times as feels best for them--just because it sounds good in theory the first time you talk doesn't mean it'll feel satisfying in practice; you may find you thought you wanted one thing but actually you want something else; plus this stuff changes. Be kind to yourselves and each other, know you haven't failed if it's not perfect right away, and more information about what you want and need is useful long term. <3 <3 <3

[ambyr]

I cannot help but wonder if, in this case, wanting sex every night is metonymy for wanting more attention and interaction, period. A partner not being in the mood for sex is one thing. A partner who has "to save my energy for my job" rather than investing energy in the other person . . . is different. Lots of people don't want to be married to people whose priorities are work first, family second.

And who is taking care of these three children while the LW (who may also be a woman! gender is never mentioned! although I admit I assume that lesbians with sex questions are unlikely to write to Dear Abby, of all people.) is away basically every waking hour?

[tielan]

Uh, yeah. This...

[minoanmiss]

12 to 14 hours/day is a lot, Given the LW's age, they may have to put in their dues for awhile to establish this career they really want. I wonder if it would help to give them and their wife the idea that sometimes one needs to cut down on the amount of time but concentrate on the quality, such as a weekly date night or something like that? Especially if they can plan not just now but for the future -- "in 5-7 years I should be able to get a promotion that brings me down to 8 hours/day", etc.