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agonyaunt2022-09-22 12:10 pm
minoanmiss) wrote in agonyaunt2022-09-22 12:10 pm
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Ask a Manager: a coworker’s child keeps saying insulting and bigoted things to me
Title as a content advisory.
t’s the Thursday “ask the readers” question
I work in a nonprofit child care setting and the environment can be toxic at times. These people have all known each other for decades and have habits of lying for one another in professional settings to make the organization sound better than it actually is.
That being said, I am an openly gay man and recieve much support from my coworkers. I truly love working here. I have pride flags in my office, i wear pride themed clothes often, I paint my nails, and have sparkly gems decorating my desk in pinks and whites.
So here’s the issue: I have one coworker, Lynn, who makes me feel uncomfortable who is also good friends with most of the executive staff. I recently had to ask Lynn not to play Christian worship music in the office because it was making me feel uncomfortable and she understood. Now she’s brought her seven-year-niece in a few times and while she’s super cute and its not unusual for us to have kids in the office, this child is rude and mean to me but says she’s just joking.
This seven-year-old has told me I’m ugly, I shouldn’t be painting my nails, I shouldn’t like “girly” things, I’m too hairy, I’m a weirdo, and that she wants to cut up my pride flags and wreck my desk gems when I’m not looking.
Now, she’s a child and I understand she probably doesn’t fully understand the impact of what she’s saying, but I feel that children say what they hear at home and are more honest than the adults around them. It feels like Lynn and her family have these feelings and the child is just repeating it.
I want to say something to Lynn about it, but I worry that I’m going to be making bigger issues for myself here because she is super close with the organization’s executive director and is one of the most gossip-oriented people I’ve ever worked with. I was warned on my first day that she was a gossip and I have firsthand witnessed her repeat private conversations to entire rooms of coworkers.
My question is this: how would you address a situation where a coworker’s child, who doesn’t actually attend our child-care program, is saying offensive and mean things to you that genuinely hurt your feelings, even though as a child she probably doesn’t understand what she’s saying?
t’s the Thursday “ask the readers” question
I work in a nonprofit child care setting and the environment can be toxic at times. These people have all known each other for decades and have habits of lying for one another in professional settings to make the organization sound better than it actually is.
That being said, I am an openly gay man and recieve much support from my coworkers. I truly love working here. I have pride flags in my office, i wear pride themed clothes often, I paint my nails, and have sparkly gems decorating my desk in pinks and whites.
So here’s the issue: I have one coworker, Lynn, who makes me feel uncomfortable who is also good friends with most of the executive staff. I recently had to ask Lynn not to play Christian worship music in the office because it was making me feel uncomfortable and she understood. Now she’s brought her seven-year-niece in a few times and while she’s super cute and its not unusual for us to have kids in the office, this child is rude and mean to me but says she’s just joking.
This seven-year-old has told me I’m ugly, I shouldn’t be painting my nails, I shouldn’t like “girly” things, I’m too hairy, I’m a weirdo, and that she wants to cut up my pride flags and wreck my desk gems when I’m not looking.
Now, she’s a child and I understand she probably doesn’t fully understand the impact of what she’s saying, but I feel that children say what they hear at home and are more honest than the adults around them. It feels like Lynn and her family have these feelings and the child is just repeating it.
I want to say something to Lynn about it, but I worry that I’m going to be making bigger issues for myself here because she is super close with the organization’s executive director and is one of the most gossip-oriented people I’ve ever worked with. I was warned on my first day that she was a gossip and I have firsthand witnessed her repeat private conversations to entire rooms of coworkers.
My question is this: how would you address a situation where a coworker’s child, who doesn’t actually attend our child-care program, is saying offensive and mean things to you that genuinely hurt your feelings, even though as a child she probably doesn’t understand what she’s saying?
no subject
I would be so wary of the political implications here, personally, that I would handle this incredibly quote-unquote professionally (by which I mean that style of workplace interaction that we pretend is depoliticized.
eg. "Hi, Lynn, could you ask your niece not to interact me in the office anymore? She's developed a habit of attempting to provoke me, and while she's seven years old and obviously her provocations don't bother me, it's become disruptive for my efforts to get my work done. I love that we are allowed to bring children into the office when necessary, but it can't be a distraction from our actual jobs, as I'm sure you agree."
Once you are arguing with a kid who is out to troll you as if you are equals, you've lost. You can talk to the seven-year-old if they are interested in actual conversation, but this kid is trolling. Because the niece isn't in their childcare program, and LW has no educational or guardian relationship with them, this isn't a conversation they can have. The most they could do is have the conversation with the niece directly, instead of with Lynn: "hi, it's good that you have this place to spend time with your aunt on snow days, but I have a job to do and I have to get it done, so I'd appreciate if you stopped distracting me from my job."
In theory that might work and it is certainly more respectful to the child, but since this kid really does appear to be both weaponized and enjoying the bullying, I would suspect that it would be more likely to switch to loudly talking about LW in earshot.
(yes, this is bullying, despite the power differential. Or it's an attempt to bully, anyway. And if Lynn's relationship with the executive team is such that the niece is allowed to keep doing it, then it is actively bullying.)