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agonyaunt2022-05-08 02:46 pm
lemonsharks) wrote in agonyaunt2022-05-08 02:46 pm
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Help! My Boyfriend Has Just Issued Me an Insane Ultimatum About Weed.
“I can’t believe he’s trying to control me like this.”
ADVICE BY R. ERIC THOMAS
MAY 07, 2022
Dear Prudence,
I’m in love with my boyfriend. We’ve been dating nine months, and it’s been going really well. I’m 26 and it just feels like this is who I want to be with my whole life. We’re still obviously in our first year, so a lot of our relationship is experiencing new things—and new conflicts—for the first time. This one has stumped me. He has a security clearance that requires that he not do drugs. When we first started dating, I thought I would also maybe go for a clearance one day, so I had also been drug-free (years ago, I smoked weed pretty regularly). He said that was important to him. Nine months later, I’m completely rethinking my career, and want to start partaking again casually. I was SO excited because I really enjoy it and was just letting him know I would be happy to keep it a “secret” from him so he can remain ignorant for clearance reasons.
I was shocked when he said that smoking was actually a deal breaker, and if I chose to, he would break up with me. (He previously smoked as well before quitting to get his clearance.) I guess I knew that this was important to him, and in the beginning we were on the same page, but I’m a changing person, and for him to not even be willing to compromise in any way makes me feel resentful. He’s turning it into a “you’re choosing marijuana over our relationship,” but I feel more like my desires are being ignored because he won’t even talk to me about it. I’m worried this is the beginning of a pattern where he asks something of me that I might change my mind on and instead of it becoming a conversation, it becomes an ultimatum. He says marijuana is the only thing he feels this strongly about. I finally told him that I wouldn’t smoke, but I am so, so resentful and don’t know how to move past this.
— Can’t Smoke My Own Pot
Dear Can’t Smoke,
It’s a little unclear whether your boyfriend’s objection at this juncture is to marijuana or to adhering to security clearances, but either way it sounds like he’s expressing an anxiety about his job and making it about your relationship. You have a couple of options here: You can ask him what this marijuana thing is all about. You can try to revisit the initial conversation and say that you don’t feel like you’re choosing marijuana over your relationship but that you noticed it struck a nerve with him and you’d like him to explain some more of his feelings about it to you. Or you can tell him that ultimatums are actually not a workable relationship dynamic for you and ask him to come up with another way of communicating his desires. Or you can hold the line.
I’m concerned by the intensity of his response here. He is exerting a level of control over you and your behavior that isn’t appropriate, and dangling the threat of a breakup for non-compliance is unhealthy and unhelpful. This early in a relationship, we should be looking for solutions and commonalities, not conflicts and problems. If he’s making this such a big deal without being willing to talk it through, he may not be as invested in the relationship. Or he may not be the right person to be in a relationship with right now.
ADVICE BY R. ERIC THOMAS
MAY 07, 2022
Dear Prudence,
I’m in love with my boyfriend. We’ve been dating nine months, and it’s been going really well. I’m 26 and it just feels like this is who I want to be with my whole life. We’re still obviously in our first year, so a lot of our relationship is experiencing new things—and new conflicts—for the first time. This one has stumped me. He has a security clearance that requires that he not do drugs. When we first started dating, I thought I would also maybe go for a clearance one day, so I had also been drug-free (years ago, I smoked weed pretty regularly). He said that was important to him. Nine months later, I’m completely rethinking my career, and want to start partaking again casually. I was SO excited because I really enjoy it and was just letting him know I would be happy to keep it a “secret” from him so he can remain ignorant for clearance reasons.
I was shocked when he said that smoking was actually a deal breaker, and if I chose to, he would break up with me. (He previously smoked as well before quitting to get his clearance.) I guess I knew that this was important to him, and in the beginning we were on the same page, but I’m a changing person, and for him to not even be willing to compromise in any way makes me feel resentful. He’s turning it into a “you’re choosing marijuana over our relationship,” but I feel more like my desires are being ignored because he won’t even talk to me about it. I’m worried this is the beginning of a pattern where he asks something of me that I might change my mind on and instead of it becoming a conversation, it becomes an ultimatum. He says marijuana is the only thing he feels this strongly about. I finally told him that I wouldn’t smoke, but I am so, so resentful and don’t know how to move past this.
— Can’t Smoke My Own Pot
Dear Can’t Smoke,
It’s a little unclear whether your boyfriend’s objection at this juncture is to marijuana or to adhering to security clearances, but either way it sounds like he’s expressing an anxiety about his job and making it about your relationship. You have a couple of options here: You can ask him what this marijuana thing is all about. You can try to revisit the initial conversation and say that you don’t feel like you’re choosing marijuana over your relationship but that you noticed it struck a nerve with him and you’d like him to explain some more of his feelings about it to you. Or you can tell him that ultimatums are actually not a workable relationship dynamic for you and ask him to come up with another way of communicating his desires. Or you can hold the line.
I’m concerned by the intensity of his response here. He is exerting a level of control over you and your behavior that isn’t appropriate, and dangling the threat of a breakup for non-compliance is unhealthy and unhelpful. This early in a relationship, we should be looking for solutions and commonalities, not conflicts and problems. If he’s making this such a big deal without being willing to talk it through, he may not be as invested in the relationship. Or he may not be the right person to be in a relationship with right now.
no subject
Idk I thought the point of dating was to assess compatibility and shared values? It stinks when you're 6-9 months in and it doesn't work out, but isn't it way worse if you pretend things are fine for years & then have to deal with assets/children/families?
Imo with ultimatums, it's controlling if you issue them when you know the relationship can't/won't end? But like, you're allowed to break up with people for any reason... And 'I don't want to lie or do an elaborate game of make believe to maintain my security clearance' is... Kinda not a stupid reason. Also idk what his clearance is for but skirting the rules can still get him in trouble or make him a target for extortion.