Dear Abby: Family member really, really doesn't like kids

[cereta]

DEAR ABBY: My brother-in-law (age 75) apparently doesn't like kids. He and my sister are childless. He just told my husband that what he doesn't like about our family gatherings is the attention everyone shows my two granddaughters. (They are 7 and 8.) At a recent gathering, he actually threw down game pieces and stomped off when they approached. Should I sever contact with my sister and him? I know if I tell my son about this, my son will cut ties with them. What parent forces their children on anyone who doesn't like them? Your advice might help. -- FAMILY GAL IN ALABAMA

DEAR FAMILY GAL: Not everyone relates well to kids. That said, your brother-in-law's behavior was appalling. Have a private talk with your sister. Could he be entering a second childhood? Knowing how he feels about children, if you wish to see him and your sister, consider socializing with them separately. If other family members with children invite them to anything other than an adults-only gathering, Sissy and her hubby should politely offer their regrets.

Comments

[minoanmiss]

But the kids are the last people who should be punished if the rest of the family has been terrible to the childless couple. They literally got here later than everyone else!

[melannen]

Fair! It's definitely not the kids' fault, whatever's going on.

But I don't get the impression he was punishing them? All we get in the letter is that he was angry, so he left the situation, and later complained to another adult in private. If he'd screamed at them or even told him he didn't want them there or something, I would be a lot less on his side! But all we get is that he was upset and went away quietly. It's definitely rude and childish, and he is not a guy I would marry, but "give yourself space so you don't take it out on others" is anger management step 1 for a lot of people. This doesn't seem to be a guy who's trying to take it out on the kids if that really is the worst that's happened. And "sometimes people are rude and it's not about you" is, I feel like, something 7-8 years olds ought to be old enough to start to learn.

But there's definitely missing reasons on one side or another here, because you don't threaten to cut off Uncle George because he was rude once unless there's bigger issues somewhere else. I suspect it's on both sides.

[minoanmiss]

This could be used as a teachable moment, yeah. I had been thinking that as a kid i would have been really distressed if a family elder acted that way but part of the reason I would have been distressed would have been that I would have been reasonably terrified my parents would blame me. Other people have an opportunity to do better!

I do think that is a churlish way to treat kids, though. No matter what bullshit their parents or grandparents may have pulled.

[melannen]

"Churlish" is an excellent word for this. And my response to this is definitely colored by the fact that "someone being a grouch to you isn't your fault, but it means they want you to leave them alone" is a lesson I was taught via uncles (who in retrospect probably have veteran-related trauma issues) at large family gatherings at that age, that has served me well in later life!

Meanwhile I am currently dealing with a coworker who thinks the correct response to a customer saying "I can't do this right now" and walking away is to follow them and keep talking, and doesn't understand why this goes poorly for her, so the importance of that lesson is much on my mind!

[minoanmiss]

a coworker who thinks the correct response to a customer saying "I can't do this right now" and walking away is to follow them and keep talking,

ai ya. Good luck with that!

[torachan]

He threw things and stomped off because children existed near him. That is not normal. For any reason.