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agonyaunt2021-02-12 01:48 pm
minoanmiss) wrote in agonyaunt2021-02-12 01:48 pm
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Care & Feeding: Puberty Debate
My wife and I are both women and have an almost-8-year-old daughter. We had a surrogate, but we used my egg and donor sperm. I went through puberty pretty early (hair growth at 7, breast growth at 8/9, and period at 10). Since my daughter is approaching that age, I figured it was time for us to talk to her about upcoming changes to her body that she may already be experiencing (she’s very private about her body, which we respect).
I brought this up to my wife to find a good day for us to sit down with our daughter to discuss this, but my wife blew up and said it was way too early and we should wait until our daughter is 12 or 13. Based on my own history, that seems late to me. When I asked why, my wife said it was “bad feminism” to talk about this too early, wouldn’t elaborate further, and just stormed out, which is very unlike her. I’m not sure what to do here. I don’t want to lie to my wife, but I don’t want to leave my daughter in the dark. Should I have a talk with my daughter about this behind my wife’s back?
—Too Soon?
Dear Too Soon,
Given your history, I totally understand why you’d want to start talking about puberty soon, and I agree that 12 or 13 is too late. Kids shouldn’t be surprised or left wondering about the changes occurring—which is why, in many schools, discussion of puberty and sex is part of the health curriculum around fifth grade. But I imagine you want to talk about this with your child before she gets the information in a public setting, where she might not feel as comfortable asking questions.
I don’t think you have to or should have these talks behind your wife’s back—she should know that you plan to, and hopefully she will come to see the importance of and be part of these discussions as well. Talking to your kids about their bodies and sex and consent in healthy, factual, nonshaming ways is good feminism! I really hope that she cools down and is then able to have a real conversation with you about this, because the two of you need to be able to discuss it in a way that doesn’t risk putting your kid in the middle of a conflict. Your daughter is just turning 8, so I think you do have a little more time to talk with your wife and at least try to get on the same page. If you’ve shared your own history with her, she should understand why it’s important to start this conversation with your child soon.
It might be helpful to find out why your wife is reacting this way, especially since, as you note, it’s not like her. It might help her to be reminded that this will be an ongoing conversation—the two of you don’t have to tell your kid everything at once. You can start with the coming changes to her body, answer whatever questions she has about that, and take it from there. Many people are unfortunately raised and/or conditioned to feel a sense of shame around these topics—I don’t want to presume anything, but it’s possible that is also a factor for your wife. If so, I hope she’ll consider talking with you and seeking whatever additional support she may need so that she can be part of these important conversations with your daughter.
— Nicole
I brought this up to my wife to find a good day for us to sit down with our daughter to discuss this, but my wife blew up and said it was way too early and we should wait until our daughter is 12 or 13. Based on my own history, that seems late to me. When I asked why, my wife said it was “bad feminism” to talk about this too early, wouldn’t elaborate further, and just stormed out, which is very unlike her. I’m not sure what to do here. I don’t want to lie to my wife, but I don’t want to leave my daughter in the dark. Should I have a talk with my daughter about this behind my wife’s back?
—Too Soon?
Dear Too Soon,
Given your history, I totally understand why you’d want to start talking about puberty soon, and I agree that 12 or 13 is too late. Kids shouldn’t be surprised or left wondering about the changes occurring—which is why, in many schools, discussion of puberty and sex is part of the health curriculum around fifth grade. But I imagine you want to talk about this with your child before she gets the information in a public setting, where she might not feel as comfortable asking questions.
I don’t think you have to or should have these talks behind your wife’s back—she should know that you plan to, and hopefully she will come to see the importance of and be part of these discussions as well. Talking to your kids about their bodies and sex and consent in healthy, factual, nonshaming ways is good feminism! I really hope that she cools down and is then able to have a real conversation with you about this, because the two of you need to be able to discuss it in a way that doesn’t risk putting your kid in the middle of a conflict. Your daughter is just turning 8, so I think you do have a little more time to talk with your wife and at least try to get on the same page. If you’ve shared your own history with her, she should understand why it’s important to start this conversation with your child soon.
It might be helpful to find out why your wife is reacting this way, especially since, as you note, it’s not like her. It might help her to be reminded that this will be an ongoing conversation—the two of you don’t have to tell your kid everything at once. You can start with the coming changes to her body, answer whatever questions she has about that, and take it from there. Many people are unfortunately raised and/or conditioned to feel a sense of shame around these topics—I don’t want to presume anything, but it’s possible that is also a factor for your wife. If so, I hope she’ll consider talking with you and seeking whatever additional support she may need so that she can be part of these important conversations with your daughter.
— Nicole
no subject
(Although, tangentially, partial information is not always helpful. I spent a couple years low-key panicking because of a throwaway comment in a 4th grade school "special health lesson" that early menstruation (defined as "before age 12") was correlated with a higher risk of breast cancer. Not a great thing to tell a girl who's going through puberty earlier than most of her classmates, especially without any follow-up!)
I am also baffled by LW's wife's take on sex ed as bad feminism. I am pretty sure that understanding and feeling comfortable in one's body is a basic feminist idea. The only explanations I can think of are that 1) she's somehow conflating sex ed with sexualization of pre-teen girls, or 2) she has some past trauma this subject is unexpectedly digging up.