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Don't you want to talk about the US election!?
Letter one:
Dear Amy: My soon-to-be father-in-law "Carl," decided to cast his vote for Donald Trump because, as he said: "I think I will be able to retire more quickly with Trump's stock market."
I teach at a university and my specialty is race and diasporic studies.
My Ph.D. is in African/African Diasporic studies, and I am flummoxed because after Carl’s proclamation, my partner's family has decided it isn't worthwhile to have a discussion with him because he is going to do whatever he is going to do.
I find this utterly untenable. I think Carl needs a serious wakeup call to the racial, social, and health issues that are at stake, and further, I think someone should let him know how selfish he is being. I get along well with him and I have been with my partner for six years, so it's not like I am new to the family dynamic.
My question is, even if my fiancé doesn't think it's worth it, can I still contact Carl and make my case?
— Frustrated Future Daughter-in-law
Dear Frustrated: You should absolutely go for it and take it upon yourself to educate your future father-in-law on the subject of your Ph.D. studies.
But, before you do, it might be helpful for you to understand that someone who claims he is voting only about the stock market and his retirement package is not likely to acknowledge that anything else is important to this country, because it is not important enough to him.
I think it would also be useful to acknowledge what you no doubt already know: that this country will continue to struggle, strive, and move in sometimes unfortunately violent fits and starts toward a new racial understanding, whether or not “Carl” is enlightened. This is happening right under his nose, even if his head is currently in the sand, and will continue to happen, no matter how he votes.
No one in Carl’s family is specifically asking you not to engage with him; I infer that they are implicitly trying to tell you what I am trying to tell you, that your words might be wasted and your effort unappreciated.
But yes, my opinion is that you should do your darndest to urge Carl into a more enlightened understanding of racial issues. However, branding him as “selfish” because he has decided to vote along his own narrow metric wouldn’t be helpful. When you are trying to engage and educate someone, criticizing their character will usually inspire them to close the door to further conversation.
https://www.arcamax.com/healthandspirit/lifeadvice/askamy/s-2434156?fs
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Letter two:
DEAR HARRIETTE: I am in an interracial relationship and have been for four years. With the election coming up, my boyfriend, who is white, told me that he will not be voting because he does not support either of the candidates. I told him how important it is to vote and that we should exercise our right. I offered to let him come with me so we can vote for Biden together.
He then shared that, if he were required to vote, out of the two major candidates he would most likely vote for Trump over Biden. He says he doesn't particularly agree with Trump's views, but he also does not agree with Biden's views. I told him that in the interest of our interracial relationship, Biden is more on our side, so we should support him together. My boyfriend strongly disagreed and dropped the conversation. He couldn't give me an answer as to why he would vote for Trump. Then he just concluded the argument by saying, This is exactly why I will not be voting. What does this mean? I'm having trouble processing and coming to terms of what this conversation meant. -- Interracial Voter
DEAR INTERRACIAL VOTER: This election is more polarizing than any I have seen in my lifetime. While I am not going to tell you who you or your boyfriend should vote for, I will say that it is smart to talk about the specific views that each candidate has on issues that matter to you. Go to their websites and pull up their statements on the issues that you care about. Debate what they have actually said rather than what you have heard second-hand.
Instead of arguing with your boyfriend, ask him to explain why he thinks Trump would be better for his life and for yours. It is worth further discussion even if it is difficult. Essentially, you want to know each other's views about life and what's important to you. These candidates help to delineate certain values. You should get clear on what each of you feels about how to build the economy, the right to life, women's rights, health care and government support of the poor. Regardless of who you vote for, you should know if you two are on the same page on these key issues.
https://www.arcamax.com/healthandspirit/lifeadvice/senseandsensitivity/s-2434265
Dear Amy: My soon-to-be father-in-law "Carl," decided to cast his vote for Donald Trump because, as he said: "I think I will be able to retire more quickly with Trump's stock market."
I teach at a university and my specialty is race and diasporic studies.
My Ph.D. is in African/African Diasporic studies, and I am flummoxed because after Carl’s proclamation, my partner's family has decided it isn't worthwhile to have a discussion with him because he is going to do whatever he is going to do.
I find this utterly untenable. I think Carl needs a serious wakeup call to the racial, social, and health issues that are at stake, and further, I think someone should let him know how selfish he is being. I get along well with him and I have been with my partner for six years, so it's not like I am new to the family dynamic.
My question is, even if my fiancé doesn't think it's worth it, can I still contact Carl and make my case?
— Frustrated Future Daughter-in-law
Dear Frustrated: You should absolutely go for it and take it upon yourself to educate your future father-in-law on the subject of your Ph.D. studies.
But, before you do, it might be helpful for you to understand that someone who claims he is voting only about the stock market and his retirement package is not likely to acknowledge that anything else is important to this country, because it is not important enough to him.
I think it would also be useful to acknowledge what you no doubt already know: that this country will continue to struggle, strive, and move in sometimes unfortunately violent fits and starts toward a new racial understanding, whether or not “Carl” is enlightened. This is happening right under his nose, even if his head is currently in the sand, and will continue to happen, no matter how he votes.
No one in Carl’s family is specifically asking you not to engage with him; I infer that they are implicitly trying to tell you what I am trying to tell you, that your words might be wasted and your effort unappreciated.
But yes, my opinion is that you should do your darndest to urge Carl into a more enlightened understanding of racial issues. However, branding him as “selfish” because he has decided to vote along his own narrow metric wouldn’t be helpful. When you are trying to engage and educate someone, criticizing their character will usually inspire them to close the door to further conversation.
https://www.arcamax.com/healthandspirit/lifeadvice/askamy/s-2434156?fs
Letter two:
DEAR HARRIETTE: I am in an interracial relationship and have been for four years. With the election coming up, my boyfriend, who is white, told me that he will not be voting because he does not support either of the candidates. I told him how important it is to vote and that we should exercise our right. I offered to let him come with me so we can vote for Biden together.
He then shared that, if he were required to vote, out of the two major candidates he would most likely vote for Trump over Biden. He says he doesn't particularly agree with Trump's views, but he also does not agree with Biden's views. I told him that in the interest of our interracial relationship, Biden is more on our side, so we should support him together. My boyfriend strongly disagreed and dropped the conversation. He couldn't give me an answer as to why he would vote for Trump. Then he just concluded the argument by saying, This is exactly why I will not be voting. What does this mean? I'm having trouble processing and coming to terms of what this conversation meant. -- Interracial Voter
DEAR INTERRACIAL VOTER: This election is more polarizing than any I have seen in my lifetime. While I am not going to tell you who you or your boyfriend should vote for, I will say that it is smart to talk about the specific views that each candidate has on issues that matter to you. Go to their websites and pull up their statements on the issues that you care about. Debate what they have actually said rather than what you have heard second-hand.
Instead of arguing with your boyfriend, ask him to explain why he thinks Trump would be better for his life and for yours. It is worth further discussion even if it is difficult. Essentially, you want to know each other's views about life and what's important to you. These candidates help to delineate certain values. You should get clear on what each of you feels about how to build the economy, the right to life, women's rights, health care and government support of the poor. Regardless of who you vote for, you should know if you two are on the same page on these key issues.
https://www.arcamax.com/healthandspirit/lifeadvice/senseandsensitivity/s-2434265
no subject
A bigoted in-law is survivable. A bigoted partner, nsm.