Sense and Sensibility: Bringing Mom Home

[cereta]

DEAR HARRIETTE: My mother is in a nursing home. She has recovered from COVID-19 in recent weeks. I haven’t seen her in months. Not seeing my mother has worn on me. She is so bright and vibrant. I saw her at least three times every week before the pandemic. I must have developed separation anxiety because I cry at all times of the day when I think of her. I feel like I have lost her and will never see her again. Not seeing her has really made me feel like she has passed on. But she hasn't; she is right where she always has been.

I have been demanding that her home let me see her, but they say it is just impossible. I talk to her for five or 10 minutes on the phone each week, but I just feel like I’ve abandoned her. At this point, I am ready to pull her from the home and bring her back to my place. Am I selfish if I do that? I just want her to be OK, and I have a feeling of guilt over not seeing her. -- Mama's Boy

DEAR MAMA’S BOY: The toll that COVID-19 has taken on our elders in nursing homes is hard to fathom. The isolation and loneliness are palpable, and experts say that many elders do not fare well in what has become a prisonlike environment. Further, like your mother, many elders have gotten the virus anyway from health care workers. It all seems unfair. As you are describing, what’s not discussed as often is the toll on family members who aren’t allowed to see their loved ones. It’s tough all around.

Talk to your mother’s doctor about her options. You need to have the capability to care for your mother if you bring her to live with you. How is her health, now that she has suffered COVID-19? The virus often leaves residual effects. What are her medical needs? Discuss everything with the doctor to weigh your options. For now, find out if her facility has an iPad or other such device. Many people are doing videocalls with their loved ones to help them stay connected.

Comments

[cereta]

Um, does anyone else see a really...glaring omission in this discussion?

[minoanmiss]

Nonsense, that would imply that either women or the elderly have agency and opinions!

[edenfalling]

Um. Two things.

1. What does Mom want to do? There isn't a single word about her needs or desires, and she's the one whose life this guy wants to completely upend.

2. He only talks to her on the phone for 5 or 10 minutes per week? I'd try a daily phone call as a first step instead of jumping straight to being responsible for his mother's care 24/7!

[jadelennox]

I wonder if these are related. Is his mother in a dementia setting? That might explain the infrequent calls, if she's unable to process a phone call, and also why her opinions aren't being solicited. (And might also be one of the cases where institutional care can be preferable to at-home care.)

In fact, there's another unasked question here: what kind of home is this? There are a small number of stellar homes, but many are for-profit, miserable institutions where covid spread because of the kind of pennypinching that makes residents' lives miserable. Even if his mother's unable to give her own opinion, knowing about the quality of the home is an important datapoint for LW.

[conuly]

That would make sense - it seems really odd that he'd go from visiting multiple times a week to only calling for five to ten minutes weekly, but if Mom can't handle phone calls then that puzzle piece clicks.

[topaz_eyes]

Or, the home is limiting contact because they don't want relatives to find out the truth of the living situation?

[fred_mouse]

This is our reality -- the home my MIL is in can only allocate a few hours (a week? a day?) to helping staff with calls, which means that partner is now getting up while it is dark for the weekly call. Previously, we were able to match our morning to their evening. But MIL can no longer handle tech reliably to answer a call.

[naath]

If getting her on the phone requires staff assistance then staff being too busy would explain the frequency of calls. If there is only one phone line then not being able to use it "whenever" makes sense.

[katiedid717]

It could be a hearing issue - my grandmothers are 95 and 96 and still live relatively independently but really struggle with phone calls because they're hard of hearing. It's easier to focus on a conversation when you can watch the face of the person who's speaking, plus they tend to have issues between cell phones and their hearing aides - lots of interference.

[conuly]

Are they not eligible to use TTY / able to text?

[katiedid717]

One of them had a TTY phone a few years ago but found it very distracting to try to listen on the phone while also reading the display (which had a bit of a lag and was prone to the errors you'll find using talk-to-text on a cell phone). They both have cell phones for emergencies, but only have flip-phones and greatly prefer their landlines anyway. One of my grandmothers uses email but finds it too impersonal. Idk, old people ¯\_(ツ)_/¯

[edenfalling]

Yeah, that would make sense. It just seems like such a jump in contact levels, with no explanation provided in the letter (whether dementia, hearing loss, staff not being around to help with calls, etc.).

[lannamichaels]

...So what's the reason she's living in a nursing home to begin with? Have those reasons magically gone away?

[cereta]

NGL, besides the whole "what does mom want?", the other glaring omission here was, "why is mom in assisted living?" I mean, her faculties could be completely intact, and she just needs physical assistance, but it seems a curious thing not to mention.

[lannamichaels]

Yeah, like. I got two relatives, one in assisted living and one in a nursing home. If we had to bring the one in assisted living to live with family, it would be difficult in certain ways but we could manage. The one in the nursing home... nope. Nursing homes are horribly expensive, but that money gets paid because it's necessary.

[naath]

well, it might have, because it might have been "I have no time, because job" and now it might be "I have no job because covid".

[mirlacca]

Has it occurred to either LW or Harriet to ask his mother what she wants?