(no subject)

[conuly]

My husband won’t stop biting our 1-year-old son. He does it out of affection, and while he’s never drawn blood (I can’t believe I have to say that), he does it hard enough to leave marks. I don’t like this. Our son, who is not yet verbal, reacts anywhere from smiling to pushing away to whining. If my husband notices these signals, he doesn’t respond to them. Meanwhile, I am trying to teach our son not to bite me, which he is doing with increasing frequency and vigor these days. I feel like all of the biting from his dad is not helping matters.

This is a big deal to me. I don’t want our son to be hurt or feel violated, I don’t want him to learn that it’s an OK thing to bite others, and I don’t want him to learn that you can do whatever you want to other people’s bodies as long as it feels right to you. I’ve explained all of this to my husband numerous times and asked him to stop biting our son. He thinks that I’m being hysterical and insists that it’s OK because its “genuine” and “how he expresses his love.” I’ve asked him to try expressing his love in nonbiting ways (hugging, kissing, nuzzling, etc.), but he says he doesn’t want to stop.

—Married to a Vampire

Dear MtaV,

Immediate counseling, do not pass go. This is utterly ridiculous. Of course your attempts to teach your son not to bite are failing!

You need this to stop, and you have been exceptionally clear, and he is behaving abusively. I’m hoping he needs a third party to tell him that, but I’m very concerned. Please update me.

Comments

[lavendertook]

LW doesn't want their son to feel hurt or violated, but can't yet say they dosn't want to keep being hurt and violated by this husband. Because maybe they have a safe word for their interactions, but he knows he is teaching the baby to bite the LW for his own nonconsensual sadistic pleasure and he's calling the LW "hysterical" --typical toxic misogynist gaslighting term usually lobbed at women, but all still apply, whatever LW's gender identification, to demean them--because he resents safe words binding his sadistic wants and I would bet he won't accept boundaries anyone else sets on his manly pleasure. It's not only the baby who he is abusing deeply.

I say skip the counseling--it will do nothing here after LW explained the power issues in relation to the baby multiple times well enough and got reduced to a wandering womb by him in return--take the baby who can't protect himself and for both your sakes get the hell out now . Take pics of the marks to use in court.