Dear Abby: Mom Is Desperate to Stop Teen's Violent Outbursts

[cereta]

DEAR ABBY: I'm a mother of two boys, 13 and 12. My oldest son has become very abusive, both physically and emotionally. He has been arrested for hitting me and hitting his little brother. He was recently kicked off the bus for hitting another student and has also been locked out of school.

I have tried therapy and medications for him, but he hasn't changed. I'm at my wits' end, ready to give up and hand him over to the court. He has both parents and a loving home. I don't know what to do anymore. I love my son, but can no longer do this. Please tell me how to help him! -- LOVING MOTHER IN TENNESSEE

DEAR LOVING MOTHER: Much information is missing from your letter. What triggers your son's violent episodes? Could he have a learning disability? Is he being teased or bullied, which might explain why he hit another student? Has he been ill, or could he have sensory integration difficulties?

At 13, it's too soon to throw up your hands and give up. Because therapy and medication haven't helped your son, I would have to ask what kind of therapist has been seeing him. When treatment doesn't work, a patient may need a more comprehensive assessment -- a second opinion or even a third. My suggestion would be to take him to a teaching hospital. And while you're there, please consider asking about some support for yourself because you have a lot on your shoulders.

Comments

[minoanmiss]

As You Know, Bob, my household is dealing with a not-dissimilar situation. I really wish I could send this parent some suggestions and many hugs. There's so much detail that we can't know from a brief letter, but one thing is obvious: this family needs more and different help. And such help is out there. But/and it's taken us years to even begin to find it.

I actually don't think the teaching hospital idea is a bad one, not least since they will have connections to a great many other resources.

Also, there are ways to be trained in how to restrain an angry adolescent .... not quite *safely* but with less risk of serious injury. But this requires actual training from actual professionals.

I wish this parent and her family all the best. I know more than I want to about where they are.

[jadelennox]

A friend of mine has been having some terrible problems with her child of the same age, and MassHealth has been a wonder, paying for in-home care and inpatient treatments. But TennCare is notoriously one of the worst public options in the country, and I worry about the limited options available to the LW. I'd want the LW to have options like in-hope support and inpatient care before she gets to the more severe options.

If she's anywhere near middle Tennessee, Vanderbilt University Hospital has some fabulous support for low-income patients, but I don't know if that includes pediatric mental health.

I know so much about the intricacies of shitty insurance and adult or child mental health care that it's hard to treat this like a normal advice column letter. In fact, it shouldn't be a normal advice column letter. This is a job for a specialist in the legal and financial and medical options available in Tennessee, and the LW should call the Vandy children's hospital, which is top notch, and get advice about where to go for advice.

[minoanmiss]

Not for the first time I wonder if there's a way to give this kind of information to the columnist to pass on.